nothing to show

used to feel the love where did that go?

used to think that he was tough but life let him know

used to think things were rough but would not have dreamed of letting go

but enough is enough and now theres nothing to show….

Uninvited

Well I will be the first one to tell you I’ve done some pretty dumb shit in the last four months. But I would not be the last one to tell you that I’m sure. As I stumbled up the packed driveway aimed at the bonfire int the back yard, with cans of beer stuffed in all my pockets and a bottle of Jose in my hand, I could not help but hear my inner voice screaming “What are you doing? This is about to be some more dumb shit you’ve done!”. I had thought about it for awhile before making the drive, and what I decided was this, after spending several years in what was the best relationship I have ever been in so far, I just could not see what was wrong with wishing her a happy 21st in person, at a party where nearly all my other crew was going to be, what else was I supposed to do? Sit alone at home  depressed and let myself be a pariah of my own doings? The last four months did not erase the years before, and I had looked forward to sharing this occasion with her, and even if all I could do was say “happy birthday” and hand over some tequila, I was going to go. So with the gentle nudge of a good friend, I decided to crash my ex girlfriends birthday party.

After slinking up and taking a place near the fire, I waited to see if anyone was going to object, and although I saw a few confused looks, it seemed maybe I was not making any real waves, this was good. The decision to show up late after everyone was drunk and social was probably a good idea. I cant lie and say it was not awkward at first. When I got the chance, I made my way over to her to present the bottle of Jose, which she obviously had no use for at this point, already being two sheets to the wind. So the moment of truth, and it seemed to be that I was almost welcome there, or at least not asked to leave, maybe it was cause she was already drunk she did not object to my showing up uninvited, but I think its just cause she is a hella cool chick, and she knows its a party and I’m just here to wish her well and share a drink. Either way shit was cool. 

Now that I was quite a bit more relaxed, and with quite a few less beers in my pockets, I remembered how much fun these occasions are. The times like birthdays, weddings, that sort of thing where the vibe is right and people can put the past behind them ( even when the past is not that fare behind them at all) and have a good time. I got to hang out with three of my best friends, three people that it seems I have not seen all in one place together at once in way to long. This is a shame cause I used to spend a majority of my time with these three, and had shared some of the most  fun times ever with them. This was my fam. Even if it was only the fact that we were all in the same back yard around the same fire, and even if some of us had moved on or been through some rough shit, we were all there that night and it just seemed to be the coolest damn thing to me.

For a night I was sure walking into I was going to regret, things went very well. One of the best nights I’ve had in a long time to tell the truth.  Although the full effect of consequences and repercussions remain to be seen, I think there was progress made and a good time was had by all (well most).  I really hope that me being brave enough (or dumb enough) to show up uninvited, knowing there would be at least one if not more people that did not want me there, and keeping my cool and putting all bullshit aside will maybe help to pave the way for similar occasions in the future…..I miss my fam……

breeze

i am a deadly disease that floats on the breeze

i silently enter your body through your nasal cavities

shut down your lungs and make you splatter blood when you sneeze

steal the oxygen from your brain make you fall to you knees

you can try to run when you hear the rustle of the leaves

but you will only hyperventilate and breath in more of me

What is wrong with y’all? (Women)

I am going to apologize first, I am sorry. I know I am about to offend somebody somewhere, quite possibly someone I know or who knows me. And that is not my intent, but I have to say this. I see it more and more all the time, and it really does make me sick when I see it at its worst. A friend at another blog recently discussed briefly the nice guys finish last theory, to the point of women responding positively to douche bags , or at least alowing the behavior, and ignoring nice guys in a bar or dating situation. While this may sound like the whining of a guy that just spent all his money at the bar and came home drunk and alone for the hundredth time in a row, it is a keen observation of a symptom of a much bigger problem I see in the female poupulation of our modern world. I am not woman bashing, far from it. I am not tring to convince anyone that I’m some great guy or that all these other men arent worth a shit, im no prize, believe that. Growing up raised by a single mom, grandmothers, aunts, and me myself helping with younger sisters, I think I have a strong protective instinct towards females, and I would like to think a better understanding of them, all though at times I simply do not understand them at all. And so this is why I feel compelled to ask, what is wrong with y’all?

It seems to have been a constant repetitive theme with the women of my family growing up as well as nearly every woman that has in anyway been involved in my live since then. Seemingly “good” women devoting their lives to less than “good” men, and over and over again getting the short end of the straw. The definition of insanity is repeating the same action again and again and expecting a different result. I am just tired of seeing a woman put up with men that are lazy, self-centered and never hold up their half of the relationship, men who lie and cheat and even after  being caught more than once, still have a family to come home to and a loveing wife to cook and clean for them, men who play mind games to control and trick you into thinking you have to have him in your life to exsist, or that he needs you so you cant leave. I am sick of see ing womenwho will putup with lieing, cheating, abusive men who hurt them and their children, and wonder why their are no good men out there. Its because they don’t have to be good men because women like you will put up with it.

If you think a great man who never cheated on his better half did it cause he just never had the desire to sleep with another women, you are wrong. It is a basic, natural instinct to want variety. But a good man will fight that instinct to be with a woman that he loves, only if he knows cheatingwould mean losing her. I can see there being some truth to the statement that there are not many “good” men left. Its because so many women will allow a man to be an ass, and still stick around. If every women everywhere just raised their standards, then men would have to comply or suffer.

I guess what I’m tring to ask is this, why do you do it? Why do women let guys like this in their lives? Why do you let these men hurt you and your families? Because their are no better men? Because you son needs a father figure? A father figure that will raise him to be another self-centered lieing cheating man? Someone has to break the cycle.

Men….don’t think you are left out of this, if your woman treats you right, by god you better do right by her, even if you can get away with it, cause karma is a bitch. Instead of focusing on what you can get by or get away with, we need to be going above and beyond. I hear guys complaining about no good women, and how hard it is to find a good one as well. Its a two way street. But I suppose the reason I am singling out the women is, lets face it, they hold the power…..

When it all comes down to it, the thing that scares the living crap outta me is this. I see failed and failing fucked up relationships everywhere I go. This is so scary because this is a disease in the very thing that keeps the human race on the planet and advancing. We need better people to be making better people. I do see great, happy parents raising great happy kids, but I see far more dysfunction brewing around me on a daily basis.

All I’m saying is that women should not let men walk on them the way it seems a lot of them do. You don’t have to put up with that. Get your self a “good” man, or at least get rid of one that is “no good” and the world will begin to turn into a much happier place.

boom

i am the molecules in the atmosphere, forming a path trough which the spark of inspiration drops lighting bolts that shake the ground

BOOM!

i am the gunpowder in the shot gun shell, life is the pin, when it hits me i spray soul piercing shrapnel into the minds if the unaware

BOOM!

my words are a bomb strapped to the back of a man who now knows only one way to make him self heard

BOOM!

I will not fade away in submissive silence, i will fight with my last breath and when i go the world will know

BOOM!

revelations and disapointments

Alot of things have been floating around in my head in recent days and weeks, as things often do at theses unexpected turns in the road. Although this was more of a split in the road.  And being that’s its my mental standard to be obsessive over the big philosophical things I cant control, and push away the things I should probably be focusing on, I’m just going to jump into the inevitable. Here I sit at eight a.m. smoking and staring at my laptop, dissecting the chapters of my life and searching my soul to try and answer a question that has haunted  me my whole life through. Does it exist, is it out there, is it real, and do we all really have a shot at it? Did I just blow the one shot I was gonna get? After a million revelations and disappointments in the matter, while my views have changed drastically, I still have no solid answer to the question. What the fuck is love? Are people really meant to find a “soul mate” that is just for us and out there somewhere just wondering around till someday fate brings them together? Or is love simply a word to describe all the emotions someone feels, and things they will do to keep a companion that they relate to. Is it really some magic force that insists on working in strange, confusing ways. Or just another descriptive term.

I am not arguing weather love exists, I know it does, Ive felt it. I just cant make up my mind what it is exactly I felt. After building and destroying several relationships that while in the midst of each I would have called myself  “in love”, I began to question the entire concept, as I believe at some point most people do. I would sit here and tell you, looking at how I felt going into a new relationship, and how I felt afterwards, that there is no such thing as ”true love” , “love at first sight” or “soul mates”. I would say based on my several loves lost that there is no such thing as two people who are just meant to be together and made for each other. I would love to say that they were all the same and I have concluded we all just do the best we can and hope we find one that makes us happy. But I can’t say there is no such thing as love like that. Because while most of the women I have found myself with all seem to become carbon copies of the same bogus deal, she was not. She was different, and it still causes a pain in my most inner being to think that by the time she came into my life I was so poisoned by the faults of others before her that I could not see what I had in my arms till I no longer had it. But I know this, I was in love with her, but none the others before, I would have told you way back then in my young, sadly confused days I loved them all, but that is simply not true. I loved her, and that’s all. I know this because I still love her. Even after actions have come to pass to bring both of us to say words we surely regret, and we chose to venture our separate was and choose others to try and complete or lives. I cant lie and say I don’t still think of her when I lay awake at night.I cannot deny that no matter how much I enjoy my freedom or the promise of new found adventure on the horizon, I would give it all back to spend even a short amount of time with her in my arms again. She was different because the feeling did not go away when she did. It still remains and I think it always will. In fact I pray it never fades

So where this leaves me is here, I believe in love because I felt it, once, but now she’s gone. So does that mean that it was not real? Or not meant to be? Or that was it and I simply missed it, I screwed it up after half a lifetime of searching. 

 For some people it can be as easy as “ok, time to move on with my life” or “more fish in the sea” and you are gonna hear the classic “that was not the one but the right one is out there for you”. I don’t know if I buy that, sorry. Not this time anyway.  If there is someone for me ( and that’s if, mind you) its her. So since I blew it, because I could not control my fears, and she is gone and moved on, where am I now? Do I move on, give up?

I am stuck in neutral now, not sure which way to go, and I know I have a lot more thinking to do, and it will still never totally make sense.

I am positive there will be other women in my future. I am sure in the end I will at least find a person who makes me happy, and we will get along. I’m sure in the end I will settle down and family blah blah blah. But as for there being a one, A perfect single person that I am meant for. If she exists, and we are going to end up together. We have already crossed paths, I have all ready fallen in love, but she was not ready yet, and she has simply moved on to another chapter of her life. And maybe all this is necessary, so we can be ready when our lives cross again. There are some lessons in life that we need to learn before it is right, and it could take a long time. But ”IF” I believe, no matter what motions or actions I stumble through in life, deep inside, I know I am just waiting for her to come back. If there is a single perfect somebody, Its her.

the kid

The sun had finally risen high enough into the sky to break through the dusty old blinds and and cast a warm streak of light across his face. His pillow now no longer cold, no matter how many times he flipped it in his half awake, half asleep stupor. One eye slowly opens and checks the color of the wall, it was still blue. Even at this young age he had begun to develop senseless fears like waking up somewhere other than where he fell asleep. This most likely began after repeated late night trips to grandmothers house, fleeing the rage of another bender gone bad. But the walls were still blue, so he was safe in the same bed. Still at Grandma’s house. There was no more fighting it now, it was nearly noon. With his usual grumpy, scrunched face on, he slowly and carefully made his way around the side guard, and down the flimsy wooden ladder of the well worn bunk beds. Shuffling his dirty socked feet across the hard wood floor in the hall he continued to the kitchen. On the counter he was lucky to find the big yellow box he was after left well within his reach, most likely by Pap-paw. It was the old mans long time ritual to stumble from bed at about one or two am, seeking Cheerios like some kind of grain fed zombie, a knee jerk reaction to years of working early shifts when he was still a beat cop on patrol.  The kid had no more than managed to get the box top open when Grandma came into the kitchen, firing away the usual barrage of questions, “Good morning, how do you feel? Are you hungry? Did you sleep well? Let me get that for you! ” . At this point there is only one thing left to do. A quick sprint into the living room, and a few clicks of the remote control, and his eyes are filled with dancing, singing, running, playing, colorful creatures of every shape and size doing anything you could imagine and having a great time doing it. Cherrios with entirely too much sugar in his stomach, and a head full of old cartoons (thanks to the Disney channel) in his brain, it was a new day. And it was going to be a good one.

Papaw would be home for lunch soon. The old man would tower in the door, set his gun on the table, and sit down the the warm lunch Grandma had ready for him everyday. As he ate he would tell of the cases he was working and the criminals he was putting in jail that day. The kid would sit across from him elbows on the table chin in his hands, listening in admiration of the work his Grandfather did.

Later he would try again to ride his bike with the training wheels removed. He knew he could hurt himself, the bike was much too big. He was determined, and even if today brought another skinned knee, he would be back tomorrow. When the hot, humid, southern Arkansas summer became to much for the kid, it was back inside for cold soda, or ice cream and more TV. A home cooked meal with the whole family would bring an end to the day. Afterwards he would slump off to the blue bedroom and crawl up the ladder into the bunk bed once again. He would fall asleep to the sound of Grandma singing old folk songs and church hymns. His dreams would be full of the same type of colorful imaginary ventures as the cartoons he spent his day absorbing. But that would all change.

There would be times in his life he would look back on these days and be willing to give up everything to go back. Times he would look back and wonder where that kid went, and why. Times he would look back and cry knowing how things would begin to change, how life would pan out for him. It would not be long before these memories would be the most faded and long gone. Times like this would be the last times he remembered being truly and totally happy. Because it would not be long till the television could no longer keep him blissfully unaware of the turmoil and chaos around him. It would not be long before he got smart enough to know something was not right with the world, even though he did not yet fully understand what. Life would be very real soon, and it would seem to never be quite the way it should be again.

What is wrong with y’all? (TV)

Hello world.

This will be the very first of what I hope to be many installments of something I’m gonna call “What is wrong with y’all?”. Every single day I am more and more disgusted by the absolute stupidity and out right evil  nature being displayed by the greater number of people that inhabit this spinning ball of dirt we call earth. It is a disease that knows no color, religion, class, or age. People are getting dumber. People are getting meaner. The world is decaying. Take a look at the time line of the last hundred years. How have things really gotten better? Have things gotten better at all? Or have things only slowly sank into a pit of ignorance, greed, and an addiction to self-loathing and constant slow self destruction? You might argue that the advancements in technology, industry, and medicine are solid proof of human progression and a happier improved planet. But when you consider how our abuse of technology has made way for a whole new type of addiction, crime, and the un-education of society. And the way industry has destroyed our planet and made us fat, lazy and damn near helpless. And while the medical world has made miraculous advancements that have helped tons of people, there is something seriously wrong with the amount of money flowing through drug companies and insurance companies, and the system does not treat people like people, we are accounts. Not to mention the major prescription drug addiction our country has.  Are the advancements in these fields really advancement? Really worth it? I simply can not turn a blind eye to the obvious impending downfall, or at the very least, regression of humankind.

 I quit watching the news, in fact I rarely turn on my T.V. any more. I realized that I could not turn on the damn thing on with out soon finding my self depressed by the latest young child kidnapped and found dead, or what country was next to receive “help” in the form of “smart” missiles. Or what ridiculous new law was going to affect who and why they were pissed. Or which major corporation was closing its doors and leaving hard working investors empty handed, while the assholes responsible for the problem slip away to an island with a suitcase full of money. Really, when is the last time you watched the news and saw something that made you stop and go, “hey, there’s still some real good folks out there.” Or heard a news story that made you think that there are still heroes, and great leaders that truly believe in mankind enough to “be the change”, and not fore the sake of power or financial gain. Now I know what you are thinking, and no I am not just 100% cynical. I do believe that those people exist, and I do know that good things happen everyday. The point I am tring to make is this, the news channels don’t like to talk about the “good”, cause for some strange reason the whole damn world is hooked on seeing death and dismay and fighting and chaos every night when they get home from eight hours of sitting in a box and wasting their lives away. The media is pumping you full of depressing, over exaggerated, dramatized bullshit. Cause they know you want it, you are addicted to drama. They are feeding the addictions of the droves of fucked up, happy-pill popping, mentally sick people that keep the mood altering medication industry leaders buying new houses and boats and wives.  And then there’s “reality TV”. Really? Reality……T.V. ? Jesus help us all. First off, if you got a hankerin for some reality, try getting up off your couch you lazy stupid son of a bitch! Guess what? This IS reality! Your livin in it, bitch! So go get a life instead of gluing your self to a horribly sick, twisted, warped view of mankind at its lowest point. There is very little real about reality TV. You want to watch a show about something based in reality? They are called “documentaries”. The thing about this new form of pseudo entertainment that really gnaws at my guts is the subject matter and bad taste that they tend to focus on. Like putting ten or twenty of one sex and one of the opposite in a house full of booze, and let ‘em duke it out for the prize via some kind of relationship lottery! Yeah, watching a bunch of desperately confused people with obvious relationship issues lay around a house half dressed and drunk playing mind games and fucking one another is gonna help form some real strong foundations for the next generation of future parents . I guess its a endless cycle since there is obviously something wrong with y’all for letting your children watch this kind of garbage in the first place. And that’s not the half of it, shows about dysfunctional families with too many ill-behaved kids,  swapping partners and inviting funny speaking nannys with laptops in to tell them how to raise their kids? Shows about overweight underachievers that suddenly have the support of a corporately funded TV show, coaches, top of the line training equipment, being cheered on by the entire nation? Is that supposed to inspire someone to lose weight? That’s not how it happens. Its false hope. If you want to lose weight you have to do it. And most people worried about their physical appearance don’t have anything to worry about anyway. Their view of them selves is skewed by shows about skinny, picture perfect models and wanna be actresses. How anyone could label all of this absolute shit “reality” is far beyond my levels of reason.

Its all very sick from where I sit. We have created a voyeuristic society, making a mockery out of human interaction and glorifying, even feeding the saddest of human characteristics and mental disorders. All in the name of entertainment, advertising, and the all mighty dollar.

Well now that I broke ya’ll off a little taste, and pissed off more than one drama addicted couch potato I am sure, this is what I ask.

What the fuck is wrong with ya’ll? Really I want to know! Let me hear about it. More to come……V.

dont stand to close

or stare directly in his eyes

dont ask questions

just lies and alibis

dont know what the future holds

exept for his demise

there once was a time

in which he truly believed

that was right before the time

he found him self upon his knees

now hes on his feet again

acting free as the breeze

but you can tell somethings wrong

hes off by a few degrees

tring to push forward

but he steady looking back

tring to see the light

when everything is black

tring to explain just who he is

but keeps getting attacked

looking for a place

that he can really feel at home

waiting for a time

when he dont feel so alone

looking for the one

that wont be moving on

but for now hes just floating

through the life he calls his own

 

 

of the top….

untitled

a natural born world shaker

the wicked bad bomb maker

the slick quick life taker

a rebel and a rule breaker

a mysterious death faker

a half-hearted heart acher

the no money high staker

the early morning self-baker

a cold sweat night waker

a natural born world shaker

off the top…..

i know half of those are not real words….they are now