Everything I eat
Or put in my mouth
Tastes sour and tart
Like mold
My head has
A sharp pain
And my world
Feels slow and
Distant. Confusing
Things keep growing
From my skin
And I expect soon
Other things
Will begin to
Fall off
I feel like
I should stay
Away from wet
And warmth
For fear of speeding
Up the whole
Rotten process
I have a song stuck in my head that I don’t know one single word
I have a girl stuck in my head that I could not convince
The food tastes like plastic. Yellow.
I hate being here alone, but can think of nowhere else
I really want to be either
If I don’t pay rent
This puzzle will solve itself
Smoke. Put on some old music.
Drink. Try to talk to people I don’t know, and wont.
Think about hauling everything I own to the dumpster
In the parking lot
Where kids lighting bottle rockets
Remind me I am independent
Here it is, wide open,
Take a look, hell climb inside
Here I am, time for the reveal
A gaping hole where a tired
Withered heart is still
Barely beating and lungs
That are forced to breathe air
Against their will
Hands that could not learn
To quit petting burning dogs
A mouth sewed shut to prevent
Words from causing self-inflicted
Injuries, unnecessary pain
So step up, get in line
I won’t hold back
Take your turn, see what you can do
I’m ready now
Cause somehow you still see me
A person you never even knew
With a full, blood red beating heart
Lungs that live to breath life
Every second of it
Hands that can melt the coldest shoulder
And a mouth that speaks
The sweetest words
You’ve ever heard
So step up with your delusions
And I won’t hold back
And in time
You too will come to know
My demons and my pension
For constantly slipping
You will come to know
The fucked up scenarios that
All added up created
The shadow of the man you see before you.
Smoke like a crash helmet
The next time the world is slid from beneath me
Still falling
Just not caring
Or at least giving it
My best damn shot
You saunter your fat ass through my living room
How did you get so grotesque?
I feed you so little
Staring out the window
A life sentenced mental patient
Neurotic and ready to run for the door if opened
If you got out there it would terrify you
We both know you are defenseless
Yet you act so goddamn independent
I clean up your shit
So don’t act so surprised
When I leave the door open
When she slept safe nested next to me in our bed
I would have nightmares that she left me for him
That woke me in cold sweats
Swinging my arms, trying to yell
But only a faint whisper
And she did
Now I sleep alone, when I can sleep
Last night I had a dream we were running away together
Her hand in mine we kissed parked on the side of an unknown road
I awoke in a dumb stupor
Does this mean anything more
Than the fact that
I am a perceptive wishful thinker
And she still does not know what she wants
make these tools and machines do my bidding, make this carcass of rusted and twisted old steel bend to my will, bring this forgotten work horse of yesteryear, once discarded to rot away, back to live and run again as a fire breathing halfbreed demon.
copious amounts of marijuana and alcohol
four months spent trying to figure out
what happened yesterday
and how to fix it by tomorrow
the cold hard slap of reality
stops me short of walking into the pointless sea
of course standing here alone
watching those that i parallel for so long
running into the dark consuming waves
and watching her follow the same path i followed
will take the joy from any sunny day at the beach
a half inch slice at the base of my right palm
jagged and stinging with oxide venom
you bit me
cant say I blame you
I was ripping and cutting at the last of your remaining organs
all wires and rust and rot now
you wont be needing this
not the last injury you will inflect I’m sure
blood sweat and tears right?
a legend in my own mind
a fool in the eyes of others
meeting somewhere in the middle
to create the sicking feeling of complete normalcy
A saint in one breath
and a destroyer of dreams
with the next
in the end no ground is gained
nothing has changed
in the end we remain the same.
V.